Only Up From Here

I haven't been here on awhile, mostly because I've been too tired to do anything other then try to sleep. Not to mention my computer was completely broken which thanks to the SAMfund organization I now have a new computer! They're focus is young adult survivors, which is actually really great because there aren't a lot of grant programs that are exclusive to young adults!

Treatment has really been kicking my ass... radiation BURNS literally you can smell your cells dying and burning and I can taste it. This is because they are radiation the entire half of my chest up to my collarbone so there is scattered radiation to my throat, and surprisingly to my back. I have completed 23 out of 33 treatments and have 10 more left. Because the hospital is closed for christmas I go this week Monday through Saturday so its six days in a row, and my skin is already HORRIBLE. I wish I could just stop now.. but the point is to do damage, so damage will be done. Imagine climbing into a tanning bed with a horrible sun burn already and continuing day after day after day knowing that you are only destroying a part of your body you usually  not only try to protect, but a part that has been traumatized and rebuilt from nothing. Its just plain depressing...

And if the fatigue from the radiation wasn't hard enough these chemo pills which I am grateful to be on because I get to keep my hair - make me SO nauseous. I think this is partially because they are pills and dissolve in my stomach, but my anti nausea  pills are barely cutting it.. and they are supposed to up my dose after radiation is over... which I'm going to discuss with my dr. on tuesday because if they up the dose I will be throwing up for sure.

If this combo of treatment wasn't hard enough two weeks ago today I woke up in the middle of the night with EXTREME abdominal pain - so bad to the point where I was screaming and crying and could barely move. I actually woke my mom up ( which i would NEVER do ) and we were about to go to the ER, but I remembered how my oncologist told me if i can at all avoid it to not go to the ER unless I absolutely had to... because as a cancer patient they usually make things worse then better.

GO FIGURE.

So instead I walked around for about an hour and took:

vicodin
motrin
muscle relaxor
ativan

I basically took everything I had on my dresser... a couple of which are not supposed to be combined but its the only way I could get through the night.

On monday fortunately my gynecologist was able to see me, and after an ultrasound it was determined I had a 2 inch diameter cyst on my right ovary, but we were not able to tell if it was the cyst causing the pain, or if I had appendicitis! So after no sleep and literally barely able to walk we drove to RUSH to get radiation ( because i refuse to miss one and delay the Dec. 31 finish date! ) and then had an abdominal and pelvic CT scan to try and rule out appendicitis. I hadn't eaten or drank anything all day because the CT you need to fast for so by the end of the day I was falling apart.. and still in extreme pain.

So the CT showed a normal appendix, and it was determined the cyst was causing me the pain, so we planned surgery for wednesday, which we then pushed off until friday because I didn't want to risk it disrupting radiation.

Friday Morning at 5:30 we drove to RUSH to get radiation at 7am and then drove back out to Good Shephard and checked in for surgery at 9:30. They were going to remove the cyst laproscopically which sounded great to me because it means minimal scarring! god knows I have enough of those by now.

My gynecologist being the wonderful man that he is and knowing how I have the need to know details about everything that is happening in my body was kind enough to take pictures of my insides which he shared with me when I woke up in recovery. GROSS but educational lol.

Once he got the scopes inside he found that the giant cyst which is called a hemmo-something cyst had torn through my ovary and was bleeding internally into my abdomen. (internal bleeding is usually very painful) makes sense now... oh and my appendix was dilated or enlarged on one side - so he called in another surgeon to remove that as well.

Now usually when you have internal bleeding and your appendix out they want you to stay in the hospital for at least a night :) but see that wasn't happening. Not because i'm irrational and don't care about my well being. BUT because when you've spent as much time in hospitals as I have you 1. just want to get the fuck out 2. know that there's nothing they can do for me there that my mom can't do for me at home as a nurse. 3. most importantly morphine makes me rip my skin off ( like literally) so if the only benefit of staying in the hospital is pain management I wouldn't be getting that anyways.

so I went home :)

Now although the scars are only about an inch they  form a box on every side of my stomach - which after only relying on your abs for like a year... its pretty impossible to get up without them... haha. Oh and they inflate your abdomen with air- like a balloon... and they try and get as much out in the OR as possible but there is some that is inevitably left inside you and the only way to get it out is through breathing. Sounds insane but it's true. Oh and also it collects in your shoulders ( kind of like the air pressure your ears feel when you're on an airplane) and it lasts for over a week.

Thankfully that is mostly gone now, and I am no longer exploding from the inside out - AND if I can just get through this next week... the worst will be behind me.

And I'm seriously hoping things can only go up from here. The third time's the charm right?

Recurrence

At 24 years old I have been diagnosed with breast cancer, not once, not twice, but literally THREE times. This time It's a local recurrence, something that despite my spectacularly clear pathology report post mastectomy snuck by and grew to the point where I could just barely feel it. I'm also guessing that this is the universe's way of telling me although I just barely avoided radiation in the spring that ultimately I was meant to have it.

Cosmetically this makes me really sad because after a few revisions I was finally really happy with my reconstruction results, and now at least on one side I'm about to inflict some serious damage. Luckily I've seen the work my surgeons are capable of and trust that they will make everything ok again.

Tomorrow I go in to remove the remainder of the tumor, as well as check one or two lymph nodes in the area and confirm that they are clear. Then in 2-3 weeks I will begin radiation and have six weeks of that treatment. I worry about my skin, but I'm also told that because I'm so young I should bounce back relatively quick.

I'm still waiting on the final pathology report from the surgical biopsy but as long as the type of cancer is the same as before I wont need any more chemo. I will however be going off the tamoxifen I've been taking (hormone blocker) since it clearly doesn't help me, and will likely have to get these shots that induce menopause for the next five years.

Some people have been asking me.. does this usually happen? why did this happen? and I don't really know what to say other then, yes it does happen, and unfortunately although there was only a 2% chance... my body is determined to prove to the medical world that when they think all is ok - they need to think again.

People also think because you find it early that it means its a quick fix- but I'm proof that although finding it early is better then finding it late, it doesn't mean its a quick fix. A lot of things you hear about breast cancer, especially because it is now October is based on older women. At 23 and 24 years old there is absolutely no research that exists on statistics of recurrence or even survival. This is important to recognize because not only are the numbers of diagnosis going up - but the ages are going down.

All three times I went to my doctor and said something was wrong they said not to worry and that there was no chance of me a 23/24 year old with no family history having breast cancer - and then again after the treatment I had the chance of recurrence was so low. Well all three times they were wrong and I was right (unfortunately) and all I can take away from this is although part of my body is trying to kill me, another part of me - my intuition and gut - are fighting to keep me alive.

I'm not religious, nor do I really believe in a "God". I especially don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I do however believe that if we have awareness of the world around us, and our selves we can in fact change the course of our own lives.

This October I ask my friends to not just recognize breast cancer awareness month but to recognize their own health and do self check exams- and if your having pain or feel anything to get it check with an ultrasound. Doctors would rather push a young woman away then to accept that younger and younger we are getting diagnosed, but if you don't fight for your health - no one else will.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I knew what no doctor could tell me yet, in fact what they told me WASN'T possible. I knew something was terribly wrong and that my body was trying to kill me. Too afraid to think it in my own head I hoped for a different answer.

This week a year ago today they were sticking me with needles over and over again, several biopsies just to be sure. Then on 8/10/11 I got the call. This Friday will be one year exactly since the day I was diagnosed with cancer.

The absolute scariest day of my life. A year ago today I didn't know if I would be here to see today or this summer. I didn't know what I would look like or how I would feel.

I lost a lot over the last year, I lost my job, my hair, my 23yr old body, my breasts. I lost a lot of friends, but only because they weren't really friends to begin with. Fortunately I gained friends I didn't know I had. Actually people I've known for the least amount of time have become my biggest supporters through chemo, shaving my head, surgery.

Some people can't deal, and I get that.. But cancer brings out the true colors in people, and sometimes it's the opposite of what you expect.

A year ago today I didn't know I'd have short hair, or be back in the city right where I was when my world came crashing down. I'm back on my feet, and certainly with a different outlook. I know I won't be free of this disease until the day I die from something else- but hopefully I'm wrinkly and old when that day comes.

Although I had a lot of people run and hide, or in the case of my work especially turn their backs on me. I'm so grateful I don't work at a place that abuses me, and that I don't have those friends who clearly don't care.

I'm stronger today then I knew I could be. I still have one surgery to go - followed by more every 10-15 years for the rest of my hopefully long life.

Some people like to call cancer a gift. It's anything but a gift and those people are full of it. Yes it can change you for the better, absolutely. But to call something a gift when there are some who don't survive makes no sense to me. It's a gift to be alive.

A year ago today I saved my own life by standing up and telling everyone who would listen that something was wrong. I'm glad I did because if I hadn't I would not be here today.


Here I was on my 23rd birthday unaware of the year I was about to take on. This year I spent my 24th birthday getting ready for surgery.

You never know when your life can be ripped away from you, so live every minute and do what makes you happy. GET BUSY LIVING. :)

Let this be a Lesson

I experienced something this past Monday at my 3month check up that has seriously not left my brain. Let this be a lesson in humanity:

I was sitting in the Rush waiting room awaiting my CT scan. There was an old couple and then a group of three women- two daughters (50-60s) and their even older mother. They were laughing and joking that they should rent an apartment because they are now there do often for their mother. Not for any serious reasons it sounded like checkups due to her old age.

Then they said something that sent chills through my whole body. The one daughter says, "well we should be lucky to have our health- there's a woman in there with cancer."

It took every ounce of my energy to not say what I was screaming in my head. Since chemo has removed my filter I usually just say what I'm thinking even if people don't want to hear it. I wanted to stare at them and say - DON'T YOU DARE talk about her like she can't hear you! (the walls are paper thin and the whole CT area is very small) Now to be honest she probably didn't hear them, but when I went back to change into the lovely hospital dresses they give you I saw the woman they were talking about and wanted to cry.

She was a Grandmother, but if not for the age difference it was as if I was looking in a mirror. Bald, weak, so tired, no energy, but there clearly in the middle of chemo- and doing it probably for her two daughters that were sitting next to her. Now that woman probably didn't hear the women in the waiting room but I bet her daughters did.

This brave little lady had her sparkly jeans with butterflies on them, cute little whit moccasins, a matching denim hat with flowers, and her eye make up all done up despite having no eyebrows or lashes. How dare they talk about her like she wasn't even there - they should be grateful for their health and ability to laugh about being at a hospital.

I wanted to tell them to take a hike up to the 10th floor and see how many people were laughing up there, because they all look like that woman up there, and just 5 months ago I was one of them.

I'm sure they would have never guessed the 24 year old girl sitting across from them in the waiting room was a cancer survivor - but that is why people need to open their eyes and think before they open their mouth, you never know what the people around you have been through, and you certainly have no right to talk about others when you have no idea what battle they are fighting.

My New Hair

Still trying to figure this short hair thing out...

GROWTH: The beauty and the tragedy.

It wasn't until the other day that I realized something about my most recent artwork, and it truthfully creeped me out. the past 2-3 years, and for my BFA show I had been OBSESSED with drawing these organic blob like/ lumpy things. (I don't know what to call them still)

So I've been wondering what possessed me to draw these "growths"? I drew them on everything.. doodles that turned into screen prints? Did my subconscious know there was something happening inside of me? did it know cancer was developing? It completely freaked me out. Whether or not this is true, especially after what I've been through I find them beautiful more then ever. These "growths" that formulated as designs.. know hold a bigger meaning.

When we think about growing.. we think of change typically for the better. Not until we hear the word cancer does it make out heart stop in our chest. The one type of growth no one wants, but isn't it just as beautiful? Sure its destruction is horrifying but if we think of it in the bigger picture of how things grow and evolve. The way it gives us perspective, helps us to grow mentally, to survive.

Here are my screen prints from my BFA show a few years ago:

Also I'm going to be putting up some prints and other fun "makings" in my etsy shop in the next few days, please check it out! and help a poor artist out ;)

CLICK HERE!

New Normal :)

Its been hard on be to reflect on this surgery until recently, now that I feel more like myself again it makes it a little easier. I finally can drive myself again.. which i think was the hardest part of recovery. That and I felt like a victim of one of the SAW movies. I was honestly afraid I would never feel normal again, but now almost two months out I can see the light on the horizon. I can finally sleep on one side, and can pick up my fat chihuahua.. still no Zoey though, that will be awhile.

I've also realized how genius my surgeons truly are, I'm so grateful I found them :) My second surgery will be in May shortly after my 24th birthday! and I will have one or two follow up surgeries (hopefully with twilight) I hate general anesthesia.. and it doesn't even effect me really, I'm totally alert and feel fine afterwards.. except for how you can tell there was a tube shoved down your throat- that part I do not like. Also having an IV in my hand for those 2 days created two lovely hard scar tissue bumps in my vein which is totally gross and was really painful for awhile. From here on out though my surgeries are all for cosmetic reasons which is a relief!

Also my eyebrows and eyelashes are back in full force and my hair is growing in the same blonde it left as which makes me so happy. In another month or two I'll be getting a hair cut, and will post some short hair pictures! (assuming it looks ok) haha.

I recently took a look at all the makeup/products I use and there are some scary things in them. I have to get rid of probably half of everything due to parabens and other bad preservatives that have some links to causing cancer. Also deodorant is going in the trash even though my doctors say it didn't CAUSE my cancer, I find it hard to believe it didn't contribute. Some products that are natural and paraben free that I've found so far:

- burts bees

- aveeno lotions/body wash

- bare minerals- mascara & powders

- clinique concealer ( concealer is hard to find without scary stuff, and this kind is pricy)

- St. Ives - tea tree face wash (love) and other products

- Lush cosmetics- all natural/vegan deodorant and solid perfumes

In 3 weeks i will be flying on an airplane to see one of my most favorite people I know in the world in Florida, on Lido Key :) with my bestest friend of all time! I'm so excited for warm weather I could scream. Here are some pictures from my last trip, its definitely the place you want to go to relax and reboost your energy.

Finally Good News!! Keep it coming!

Its been awhile since I've updated and so much has happened in two weeks time. The first week after surgery was so rough I'm glad its behind me and I'm finally on the other side of things. Sadly my eyebrows fell out :( but I think it was because new ones were pushing the old ones out, so I now have what I call fuzzbrows because they're like ghost eyebrows. My eye lashes although stubby are coming back in full force which is exciting! And my head hair although getting longer looks pretty pitiful, I'm an adult with the hair of an infant :/ not the best look!

Best news yet: At the time of surgery there was NED or no evidence of disease! Chemo completely obliterated my three tumors and left behind NOTHIN not even one microscopic cell!

Better news: because there was no cancer left I DONT NEED RADIATION! Which means far less complications with reconstruction :)

Other good news: I'm pretty certain I get my last surgical drain out today! Which means showers will be far less complicated and I can start to wear more normal clothes :)

Best of all: I'm done with all "active" treatment! I will have to take a hormone blocker for 5 years :( but its worth it and doesnt really effect daily life. Im thinking it will be like taking birth control pills, although opposite because it blocks estrogen rather then elevating it.

Now if only it would be summer already!!

Also Thank You to all the wonderful people who sent me flowers.. I had my own garden!

My New Beginning

So the time has come, my surgery is tomorrow, and i predicted 4months ago that we would get hit by snow of course right before my surgery. (go figure) i have to be at NorthShore Evanston Hospital at 6am .. Surgery is at 7:30, and by 12pm I should be out. This means i get to wake up at 4am, joy :(....

This is perhaps the scariest thing Incan imagine, but the thought of having cancer inside of me is far more frightening, so off I go to begin a new life that will never be the same after tomorrow. I've never had to stay in a hospital so I'm nervous about that as well.. I'll likely be there two nights and three days and should be able to come home sunday afternoon *fingers crossed*

since i dont have much of a tolerance for pain killers im also worried about pain management but im hoping for the best. I keep telling myself atleast I get to keep my arms and legs, but nothing really takes away the fear. I just hope that tomorrow will be my last "cancer surgery" and after that I can feel (as much a possible) that I am cancer free. Also in the next week ill find out for certain if radiation is in my future, if so that will be the last of my heavy treatments, and then ill just be on a hormone blocker for 5years.

I sometimes wonder if ill ever get my life back, and the truth is.. I wont. I'll never be the same mentally and certainly not physically. I hope my new life can be as good if not better then it was before, because I now know that every single day is a gift, every moment I have is one that I may not have. Because of this new found respect for life I dont get upset by little things like a cold, bad day,.. Or how incredibly ignorant most people can be.

The truth is no one knows how long they'll have on this earth. Its something we talk about carelessly, especially in our 20s.. But people in their 20s die every day, and still most take what they have for granted. I think the trick is to live life not afraid of what may happen, but instead appreciate what has not happened and how fortunate we actually are.

Tomorrow is my new beginning, and I could not have gotten this far without my real life heros, who have walked in these shoes before me, with me, or beside me. Thank you.. You know who you are <3

Build-A-Bear/Barbie

So i had a rather strange idea while driving home from the dr. tonight... What if breast cancer patients could be like a build a bear where you get to pick little additions to go in with your "stuffing" like GLITTER! Or a little heart that sings a song when you hug someone or squeeze your boob.. Lmao. Post chemo brain is quite a trip ;)

Tumor Supernova :D

So my CT and MRI results came back good news. My CT was really to look at my lungs and make sure these 4 spots were just scarring, if they weren't (and were the worse alternative) chemo would have altered them.. shrunk them or made them disappear. Good news is they are completely "stable" (exactly the same) so they are just scaring.. probably from smoking years ago, but they're also found in people who never smoked anything. They're actually one of the most common accidental B9 findings that happen in the medical world, but it took a check up CT for me to believe that of course :)

My CT also revealed an improvement where my tumors are located, but CT's are not for that, so thats why i got the MRI, turns out my MRI was just as good if not better! The thing with MRI's is that they can only compare them when done at the same location. because I DO NOT trust the radiologists at Good Shephard for missing my additional tumors I did not want to go back there, so the MRI I had rush can't be compared to my previous ones. However it did not show any masses! only a faint unfocused area (of contrast pick up) where the tumors were... and said to "appear to be treated by chemotherapy" because they can not compare it to anything. So basically if parts of my tumors are left, they're tiny, and the rest is a cloud, that most likely represents the changing in tissue.

I imagine it looks like a supernova, which is great, because the chemo worked and blew those suckers apart! This I'm hoping will mean no radiation in my future.. which I find out more on Wednesday when I meet with the Radiation Oncologist. This also makes me feel slightly better because if the chemo could do that to solid masses, if any cells did escape into other areas of my body they most likely where slaughtered as well!

In young women the pathology of their tumors can be chemo resistant, or not be as effective, and the bonus of doing chemo before removing them is knowing, it did its job :) So although I've been waiting 4 months with cancer still inside of me, which was not easy at first.... I now know it was worth it.

My Surgery is in exactly two weeks, and I am starting to get nervous as it approaches, but I also know its necessary for me to start living my life again... even if it takes a few months to get back to normal after the fact. the hardest part will be not driving for almost 2 months.. I'm going to be stuck at home even after I've been healing for a while.. And not being able to play with Zoey, or walk her, although she is a great walker and does not pull, I cant take that risk :/ So if anyone wants to come walk her for me we would both love you for it. <3 She is going to have to be crated for the first month when I'm around her so she doesn't jump on me :(

My hair has not started coming in normally yet, the fuzz just gets longer LOL. I'm hoping once I come out of the medical fog from surgery and such I will notice some growth. I do still have eyebrows and eyelashes, and actually wore mascara a week ago! I'm not planning on doing that again because I don't want to risk losing what I've got left. The neuropathy in my feet is very annoying... and may or may not go away, but after surgery I'm going to try some things to help it. Either way its not THAT bad, so I'm glad we didn't reduce my last chemo dose. The hot flashes however are VERY bad... and I've read tamoxifen (which ill have to start taking after surgery for the next 5 years) makes worse. Chemo-pause sucks ass.. but I do feel like my hormones are trying to make a comeback.. which is good for my hot flashes, but bad for cancer.

I have a feeling these next two weeks are going to fly by faster then I would like them to, but if my BrEaST friends can handle it... So can I.

Hopeful Mind & Healing Thoughts

Today is the day a friend of mine goes in for surgery, actually at this moment her surgery is probably finishing up and she will begin healing.

She came into my life in the most happenstance of ways, it makes me believe in the phrase "everything happens for a reason" all over again.

We share an oncologist, but due to our meeting with be sharing surgeons as well. She sat by my side for my second to last chemo and we talked surgery for the whole three hours.

She taught me to be brave in ways I didn't know I could, to not settle for what the doctors would do but to research and ask questions to uncover what doctors COULD do. And to trust my gut, and in my heart what was right for me.

We are both the first women in our families to face this evil disease, both at freakishly young ages too. One thing we do not share is the BRCA mutation, which she has and I don't. However I've now come to believe I have a mutation they cannot test for because how does someone 10yrs younger then someone with a known mutation have the same disease... Science cannot provide me with that answer yet and so I draw my own conclusions.

She is one of a small group of truly inspirational, and very young women fighting this battle for their lives. I'm glad I found them, because together we are stronger, and they are the bravest women I've ever met.

This is her day for a new beginning.

FUZZfood for thought, and the battles of brows & lashes

So since starting Taxol the week after treatment my hair aka FUZZ has been trying with all its might to grow in before the next treatment stalls it once more. Im about to begin the week of growing and because i have no more treatments im really curious to see what happens the week after next.

Most women talk about being liberated or free after shaving their head at the beginning of treatment, but i havent until now gotten comfortable bald, and its quite nice for sleeping! Also there are many worry free moments that I can appreciate because I have no hair.

Worry free bald moment of the day: when you light candles all over the bathroom before a bath, and you sit on the toilet to take your socks off and flinch in fear that your hair might brush over the candle and catch fire? NOPE! You can safely sit in close proximity to candles without the worry your hair will catchfire :D problem solved! Shave your head!

Ive been taking pictures to measure growth and chart lash and brow loss/gain. And since my brows and lashes are now countable in numbers let the war to stay in place begin! They look better(fuller) in the picture then real life for some reason?

Make Like An Ostrich

So the time has come as i ride out these last side effects to decide on a team of surgeons and I'd rather bury my head in the sand. How can someone be expected to make a decision like this after 4 months of brain fogging poison?! I find myself leaning toward a team that has more options to offer me, but leaving the comfort of Rush makes me feel like im starting high school all over again. I know people who love and have had great results from both teams, so what is my problem?!

I'm so glad that chemos done but this next month will most likely be the toughest yet. Not to mention my eyebrows and lashes which are still hanging on for dear life will most likely still fall out and i'll be compelled to draw something ridiculous in their place :)

Upsides:

Oliver gets to come back in my room in one week, so ill no longer have a sad kitty crying at me through my door. OH! And i got my picc line pulled out which was soooo gross but my arm is finally free! :D

... Now back to burring my head, please someone make me this device.

Chemo Graduation!!!!

Today was my last chemo!!!! I had my picc line pulled out :) and after these next two weeks i should feel like myself again. I cant wait to turn into a chia pet and start growin some hair stubs! Im hoping my eyelashes and eyebrows hang around for the party!

Today was bitter sweet in that although chemo is done we had to decide to reduce my dose or not because the neuropathy in my feets has become apparent at times and we don't want to 1. Make it worse 2. Make it permanent.

I did decide to push through and get the full dose knowing the possible risks, but being 23 i think i will be ok, and because its only in my feet i don't care as much, it just needs to stay the f*ck out of my hands :D

My next step will be the big surgery a month from today, and i have some wonderful ladies in my life who have rocked the surgery and look fantastic and i can only hope to follow in their brave footsteps. I had a lot of options to chose from, and at 23 i chose what will give me the absolute best chance at never facing another breast cancer. I don't got time for all this :p i want to put it behind me and move on.

I still have a ways to go with surgery, and possibly radiation(that will prolong future surgeries) but I'm hoping to not need that. I got probably almost a year until i'm back to normal, but its one year i'm going to appreciate more then I ever thought I would, even if its filled with surgeries. The hope is that at the time of surgery when they remove everything, no cancer is found. I know they've been shrinkadinkin but whether they will be gone i'm unsure. Here's to hoping this last treatment really slaughters their last breaths!

For now kiss my ass cancer! suck on some poison f*ckers :D who's a rogue agent now! *bang*bang* (gun shots gangsta style)

The thing about dreams....

I had sort of an Ah-ha moment today and it pretty much freaked me out. When i talk about what this sort of experience not just chemo, but genetic testing, facing multiple surgeries, and therefore multiple decisions i describe it as standing in the middle of a giant tornado. From where you're standing time has stopped, you're anxious and your heart is racing. No matter which direction you go (or decision you make) you're not going to make it out unharmed. This is a fact not a feeling and it scares the life out of you but you have to chose. When you're in the middle you can't see clearly in any direction but you still have to make a move. I've always had crazy ass dreams but today i realized before my diagnosis i was having dreams about tornados. Freaky.

7 down only 1 to go!

Well i have about 1 week until my last taxol treatment! Today is the worst for the side effects. This drugs seems to make my joints not only hurt but slide around. My knees and ankles try to seperate and my hips pop and try their hardest to dislocate which is the most painful. Basically I feel like im 90! Im shocked that a drug can do this, but i also know that its flushing through my bones and muscles killing any microbastards that may be in hiding. Ive learned many things in these past few weeks not just about surgery but about breast cancer in general. Just because youre stage 1 and node negative doesnt mean it wont show up later as stage 4 and claim my life. Theres no way to know until it happens (which it does) but thats why im getting chemo. Its a scarey thought but in the end i have an 85-90% chance for a cure after all my treatments. There is no real cure but those are pretty hopeful numbers.

Some good news! I still have eyebrows and lashes :) im told i will likely lose them after my last treatment but for now it makes me happy to have them! Also the thing i was most worried about the neuropathy i have only had a little bit. Mostly in my feet, and one time in my hands, arms, and even my face! (i gotta ask about that) its that really unfun waking up after falling asleep tingling. Its nowhere near as bad as imagined though :) also after Taxol number 3 i did start to get the metallic taste in my mouth ive read about, which is gross but i just avoid pop cans or metal silverware and it seems to help! Also my nails are lifting which freaks me out but i havent lost one yet ! (that rarely happens)

I totally have "chemo brain" and really hope this goes away quickley when im done because i feel so stupid a lot of the time :/ which doesnt help when im meeting with surgeons and trying to decide things that will impact the rest of my life. January 23 is my chemo graduation and im so excited! Ill still feel terrible for the two weeks after but atleast ill be able to get this picc line out of my arm! Im so sick of it I could scream! For me it was better then a port though, but i still want it out!!

Ive learned that there are 8 women in their 20s being treated for the big bad BC at Rush currently. (me being one of them) the chances of getting this in youre 20s is 1 in 2,000. And each year it goes up. Something is wrong in this world that is causing this to happen.

The Avon walk is coming up in June and im hoping ill be well enough to participate, theyre great because part of the money goes to organizations that help young women with no health insurance.

Zoey is happy that chemo is almost done too! Shes been really wanting to go to the dogpark! We both kindof have cabin fever :p