Only Up From Here

I haven't been here on awhile, mostly because I've been too tired to do anything other then try to sleep. Not to mention my computer was completely broken which thanks to the SAMfund organization I now have a new computer! They're focus is young adult survivors, which is actually really great because there aren't a lot of grant programs that are exclusive to young adults!

Treatment has really been kicking my ass... radiation BURNS literally you can smell your cells dying and burning and I can taste it. This is because they are radiation the entire half of my chest up to my collarbone so there is scattered radiation to my throat, and surprisingly to my back. I have completed 23 out of 33 treatments and have 10 more left. Because the hospital is closed for christmas I go this week Monday through Saturday so its six days in a row, and my skin is already HORRIBLE. I wish I could just stop now.. but the point is to do damage, so damage will be done. Imagine climbing into a tanning bed with a horrible sun burn already and continuing day after day after day knowing that you are only destroying a part of your body you usually  not only try to protect, but a part that has been traumatized and rebuilt from nothing. Its just plain depressing...

And if the fatigue from the radiation wasn't hard enough these chemo pills which I am grateful to be on because I get to keep my hair - make me SO nauseous. I think this is partially because they are pills and dissolve in my stomach, but my anti nausea  pills are barely cutting it.. and they are supposed to up my dose after radiation is over... which I'm going to discuss with my dr. on tuesday because if they up the dose I will be throwing up for sure.

If this combo of treatment wasn't hard enough two weeks ago today I woke up in the middle of the night with EXTREME abdominal pain - so bad to the point where I was screaming and crying and could barely move. I actually woke my mom up ( which i would NEVER do ) and we were about to go to the ER, but I remembered how my oncologist told me if i can at all avoid it to not go to the ER unless I absolutely had to... because as a cancer patient they usually make things worse then better.

GO FIGURE.

So instead I walked around for about an hour and took:

vicodin
motrin
muscle relaxor
ativan

I basically took everything I had on my dresser... a couple of which are not supposed to be combined but its the only way I could get through the night.

On monday fortunately my gynecologist was able to see me, and after an ultrasound it was determined I had a 2 inch diameter cyst on my right ovary, but we were not able to tell if it was the cyst causing the pain, or if I had appendicitis! So after no sleep and literally barely able to walk we drove to RUSH to get radiation ( because i refuse to miss one and delay the Dec. 31 finish date! ) and then had an abdominal and pelvic CT scan to try and rule out appendicitis. I hadn't eaten or drank anything all day because the CT you need to fast for so by the end of the day I was falling apart.. and still in extreme pain.

So the CT showed a normal appendix, and it was determined the cyst was causing me the pain, so we planned surgery for wednesday, which we then pushed off until friday because I didn't want to risk it disrupting radiation.

Friday Morning at 5:30 we drove to RUSH to get radiation at 7am and then drove back out to Good Shephard and checked in for surgery at 9:30. They were going to remove the cyst laproscopically which sounded great to me because it means minimal scarring! god knows I have enough of those by now.

My gynecologist being the wonderful man that he is and knowing how I have the need to know details about everything that is happening in my body was kind enough to take pictures of my insides which he shared with me when I woke up in recovery. GROSS but educational lol.

Once he got the scopes inside he found that the giant cyst which is called a hemmo-something cyst had torn through my ovary and was bleeding internally into my abdomen. (internal bleeding is usually very painful) makes sense now... oh and my appendix was dilated or enlarged on one side - so he called in another surgeon to remove that as well.

Now usually when you have internal bleeding and your appendix out they want you to stay in the hospital for at least a night :) but see that wasn't happening. Not because i'm irrational and don't care about my well being. BUT because when you've spent as much time in hospitals as I have you 1. just want to get the fuck out 2. know that there's nothing they can do for me there that my mom can't do for me at home as a nurse. 3. most importantly morphine makes me rip my skin off ( like literally) so if the only benefit of staying in the hospital is pain management I wouldn't be getting that anyways.

so I went home :)

Now although the scars are only about an inch they  form a box on every side of my stomach - which after only relying on your abs for like a year... its pretty impossible to get up without them... haha. Oh and they inflate your abdomen with air- like a balloon... and they try and get as much out in the OR as possible but there is some that is inevitably left inside you and the only way to get it out is through breathing. Sounds insane but it's true. Oh and also it collects in your shoulders ( kind of like the air pressure your ears feel when you're on an airplane) and it lasts for over a week.

Thankfully that is mostly gone now, and I am no longer exploding from the inside out - AND if I can just get through this next week... the worst will be behind me.

And I'm seriously hoping things can only go up from here. The third time's the charm right?

Recurrence

At 24 years old I have been diagnosed with breast cancer, not once, not twice, but literally THREE times. This time It's a local recurrence, something that despite my spectacularly clear pathology report post mastectomy snuck by and grew to the point where I could just barely feel it. I'm also guessing that this is the universe's way of telling me although I just barely avoided radiation in the spring that ultimately I was meant to have it.

Cosmetically this makes me really sad because after a few revisions I was finally really happy with my reconstruction results, and now at least on one side I'm about to inflict some serious damage. Luckily I've seen the work my surgeons are capable of and trust that they will make everything ok again.

Tomorrow I go in to remove the remainder of the tumor, as well as check one or two lymph nodes in the area and confirm that they are clear. Then in 2-3 weeks I will begin radiation and have six weeks of that treatment. I worry about my skin, but I'm also told that because I'm so young I should bounce back relatively quick.

I'm still waiting on the final pathology report from the surgical biopsy but as long as the type of cancer is the same as before I wont need any more chemo. I will however be going off the tamoxifen I've been taking (hormone blocker) since it clearly doesn't help me, and will likely have to get these shots that induce menopause for the next five years.

Some people have been asking me.. does this usually happen? why did this happen? and I don't really know what to say other then, yes it does happen, and unfortunately although there was only a 2% chance... my body is determined to prove to the medical world that when they think all is ok - they need to think again.

People also think because you find it early that it means its a quick fix- but I'm proof that although finding it early is better then finding it late, it doesn't mean its a quick fix. A lot of things you hear about breast cancer, especially because it is now October is based on older women. At 23 and 24 years old there is absolutely no research that exists on statistics of recurrence or even survival. This is important to recognize because not only are the numbers of diagnosis going up - but the ages are going down.

All three times I went to my doctor and said something was wrong they said not to worry and that there was no chance of me a 23/24 year old with no family history having breast cancer - and then again after the treatment I had the chance of recurrence was so low. Well all three times they were wrong and I was right (unfortunately) and all I can take away from this is although part of my body is trying to kill me, another part of me - my intuition and gut - are fighting to keep me alive.

I'm not religious, nor do I really believe in a "God". I especially don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I do however believe that if we have awareness of the world around us, and our selves we can in fact change the course of our own lives.

This October I ask my friends to not just recognize breast cancer awareness month but to recognize their own health and do self check exams- and if your having pain or feel anything to get it check with an ultrasound. Doctors would rather push a young woman away then to accept that younger and younger we are getting diagnosed, but if you don't fight for your health - no one else will.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I knew what no doctor could tell me yet, in fact what they told me WASN'T possible. I knew something was terribly wrong and that my body was trying to kill me. Too afraid to think it in my own head I hoped for a different answer.

This week a year ago today they were sticking me with needles over and over again, several biopsies just to be sure. Then on 8/10/11 I got the call. This Friday will be one year exactly since the day I was diagnosed with cancer.

The absolute scariest day of my life. A year ago today I didn't know if I would be here to see today or this summer. I didn't know what I would look like or how I would feel.

I lost a lot over the last year, I lost my job, my hair, my 23yr old body, my breasts. I lost a lot of friends, but only because they weren't really friends to begin with. Fortunately I gained friends I didn't know I had. Actually people I've known for the least amount of time have become my biggest supporters through chemo, shaving my head, surgery.

Some people can't deal, and I get that.. But cancer brings out the true colors in people, and sometimes it's the opposite of what you expect.

A year ago today I didn't know I'd have short hair, or be back in the city right where I was when my world came crashing down. I'm back on my feet, and certainly with a different outlook. I know I won't be free of this disease until the day I die from something else- but hopefully I'm wrinkly and old when that day comes.

Although I had a lot of people run and hide, or in the case of my work especially turn their backs on me. I'm so grateful I don't work at a place that abuses me, and that I don't have those friends who clearly don't care.

I'm stronger today then I knew I could be. I still have one surgery to go - followed by more every 10-15 years for the rest of my hopefully long life.

Some people like to call cancer a gift. It's anything but a gift and those people are full of it. Yes it can change you for the better, absolutely. But to call something a gift when there are some who don't survive makes no sense to me. It's a gift to be alive.

A year ago today I saved my own life by standing up and telling everyone who would listen that something was wrong. I'm glad I did because if I hadn't I would not be here today.


Here I was on my 23rd birthday unaware of the year I was about to take on. This year I spent my 24th birthday getting ready for surgery.

You never know when your life can be ripped away from you, so live every minute and do what makes you happy. GET BUSY LIVING. :)

Let this be a Lesson

I experienced something this past Monday at my 3month check up that has seriously not left my brain. Let this be a lesson in humanity:

I was sitting in the Rush waiting room awaiting my CT scan. There was an old couple and then a group of three women- two daughters (50-60s) and their even older mother. They were laughing and joking that they should rent an apartment because they are now there do often for their mother. Not for any serious reasons it sounded like checkups due to her old age.

Then they said something that sent chills through my whole body. The one daughter says, "well we should be lucky to have our health- there's a woman in there with cancer."

It took every ounce of my energy to not say what I was screaming in my head. Since chemo has removed my filter I usually just say what I'm thinking even if people don't want to hear it. I wanted to stare at them and say - DON'T YOU DARE talk about her like she can't hear you! (the walls are paper thin and the whole CT area is very small) Now to be honest she probably didn't hear them, but when I went back to change into the lovely hospital dresses they give you I saw the woman they were talking about and wanted to cry.

She was a Grandmother, but if not for the age difference it was as if I was looking in a mirror. Bald, weak, so tired, no energy, but there clearly in the middle of chemo- and doing it probably for her two daughters that were sitting next to her. Now that woman probably didn't hear the women in the waiting room but I bet her daughters did.

This brave little lady had her sparkly jeans with butterflies on them, cute little whit moccasins, a matching denim hat with flowers, and her eye make up all done up despite having no eyebrows or lashes. How dare they talk about her like she wasn't even there - they should be grateful for their health and ability to laugh about being at a hospital.

I wanted to tell them to take a hike up to the 10th floor and see how many people were laughing up there, because they all look like that woman up there, and just 5 months ago I was one of them.

I'm sure they would have never guessed the 24 year old girl sitting across from them in the waiting room was a cancer survivor - but that is why people need to open their eyes and think before they open their mouth, you never know what the people around you have been through, and you certainly have no right to talk about others when you have no idea what battle they are fighting.

My New Hair

Still trying to figure this short hair thing out...

GROWTH: The beauty and the tragedy.

It wasn't until the other day that I realized something about my most recent artwork, and it truthfully creeped me out. the past 2-3 years, and for my BFA show I had been OBSESSED with drawing these organic blob like/ lumpy things. (I don't know what to call them still)

So I've been wondering what possessed me to draw these "growths"? I drew them on everything.. doodles that turned into screen prints? Did my subconscious know there was something happening inside of me? did it know cancer was developing? It completely freaked me out. Whether or not this is true, especially after what I've been through I find them beautiful more then ever. These "growths" that formulated as designs.. know hold a bigger meaning.

When we think about growing.. we think of change typically for the better. Not until we hear the word cancer does it make out heart stop in our chest. The one type of growth no one wants, but isn't it just as beautiful? Sure its destruction is horrifying but if we think of it in the bigger picture of how things grow and evolve. The way it gives us perspective, helps us to grow mentally, to survive.

Here are my screen prints from my BFA show a few years ago:

Also I'm going to be putting up some prints and other fun "makings" in my etsy shop in the next few days, please check it out! and help a poor artist out ;)

CLICK HERE!

New Normal :)

Its been hard on be to reflect on this surgery until recently, now that I feel more like myself again it makes it a little easier. I finally can drive myself again.. which i think was the hardest part of recovery. That and I felt like a victim of one of the SAW movies. I was honestly afraid I would never feel normal again, but now almost two months out I can see the light on the horizon. I can finally sleep on one side, and can pick up my fat chihuahua.. still no Zoey though, that will be awhile.

I've also realized how genius my surgeons truly are, I'm so grateful I found them :) My second surgery will be in May shortly after my 24th birthday! and I will have one or two follow up surgeries (hopefully with twilight) I hate general anesthesia.. and it doesn't even effect me really, I'm totally alert and feel fine afterwards.. except for how you can tell there was a tube shoved down your throat- that part I do not like. Also having an IV in my hand for those 2 days created two lovely hard scar tissue bumps in my vein which is totally gross and was really painful for awhile. From here on out though my surgeries are all for cosmetic reasons which is a relief!

Also my eyebrows and eyelashes are back in full force and my hair is growing in the same blonde it left as which makes me so happy. In another month or two I'll be getting a hair cut, and will post some short hair pictures! (assuming it looks ok) haha.

I recently took a look at all the makeup/products I use and there are some scary things in them. I have to get rid of probably half of everything due to parabens and other bad preservatives that have some links to causing cancer. Also deodorant is going in the trash even though my doctors say it didn't CAUSE my cancer, I find it hard to believe it didn't contribute. Some products that are natural and paraben free that I've found so far:

- burts bees

- aveeno lotions/body wash

- bare minerals- mascara & powders

- clinique concealer ( concealer is hard to find without scary stuff, and this kind is pricy)

- St. Ives - tea tree face wash (love) and other products

- Lush cosmetics- all natural/vegan deodorant and solid perfumes

In 3 weeks i will be flying on an airplane to see one of my most favorite people I know in the world in Florida, on Lido Key :) with my bestest friend of all time! I'm so excited for warm weather I could scream. Here are some pictures from my last trip, its definitely the place you want to go to relax and reboost your energy.