FUZZfood for thought, and the battles of brows & lashes

So since starting Taxol the week after treatment my hair aka FUZZ has been trying with all its might to grow in before the next treatment stalls it once more. Im about to begin the week of growing and because i have no more treatments im really curious to see what happens the week after next.

Most women talk about being liberated or free after shaving their head at the beginning of treatment, but i havent until now gotten comfortable bald, and its quite nice for sleeping! Also there are many worry free moments that I can appreciate because I have no hair.

Worry free bald moment of the day: when you light candles all over the bathroom before a bath, and you sit on the toilet to take your socks off and flinch in fear that your hair might brush over the candle and catch fire? NOPE! You can safely sit in close proximity to candles without the worry your hair will catchfire :D problem solved! Shave your head!

Ive been taking pictures to measure growth and chart lash and brow loss/gain. And since my brows and lashes are now countable in numbers let the war to stay in place begin! They look better(fuller) in the picture then real life for some reason?

Make Like An Ostrich

So the time has come as i ride out these last side effects to decide on a team of surgeons and I'd rather bury my head in the sand. How can someone be expected to make a decision like this after 4 months of brain fogging poison?! I find myself leaning toward a team that has more options to offer me, but leaving the comfort of Rush makes me feel like im starting high school all over again. I know people who love and have had great results from both teams, so what is my problem?!

I'm so glad that chemos done but this next month will most likely be the toughest yet. Not to mention my eyebrows and lashes which are still hanging on for dear life will most likely still fall out and i'll be compelled to draw something ridiculous in their place :)

Upsides:

Oliver gets to come back in my room in one week, so ill no longer have a sad kitty crying at me through my door. OH! And i got my picc line pulled out which was soooo gross but my arm is finally free! :D

... Now back to burring my head, please someone make me this device.

Chemo Graduation!!!!

Today was my last chemo!!!! I had my picc line pulled out :) and after these next two weeks i should feel like myself again. I cant wait to turn into a chia pet and start growin some hair stubs! Im hoping my eyelashes and eyebrows hang around for the party!

Today was bitter sweet in that although chemo is done we had to decide to reduce my dose or not because the neuropathy in my feets has become apparent at times and we don't want to 1. Make it worse 2. Make it permanent.

I did decide to push through and get the full dose knowing the possible risks, but being 23 i think i will be ok, and because its only in my feet i don't care as much, it just needs to stay the f*ck out of my hands :D

My next step will be the big surgery a month from today, and i have some wonderful ladies in my life who have rocked the surgery and look fantastic and i can only hope to follow in their brave footsteps. I had a lot of options to chose from, and at 23 i chose what will give me the absolute best chance at never facing another breast cancer. I don't got time for all this :p i want to put it behind me and move on.

I still have a ways to go with surgery, and possibly radiation(that will prolong future surgeries) but I'm hoping to not need that. I got probably almost a year until i'm back to normal, but its one year i'm going to appreciate more then I ever thought I would, even if its filled with surgeries. The hope is that at the time of surgery when they remove everything, no cancer is found. I know they've been shrinkadinkin but whether they will be gone i'm unsure. Here's to hoping this last treatment really slaughters their last breaths!

For now kiss my ass cancer! suck on some poison f*ckers :D who's a rogue agent now! *bang*bang* (gun shots gangsta style)

The thing about dreams....

I had sort of an Ah-ha moment today and it pretty much freaked me out. When i talk about what this sort of experience not just chemo, but genetic testing, facing multiple surgeries, and therefore multiple decisions i describe it as standing in the middle of a giant tornado. From where you're standing time has stopped, you're anxious and your heart is racing. No matter which direction you go (or decision you make) you're not going to make it out unharmed. This is a fact not a feeling and it scares the life out of you but you have to chose. When you're in the middle you can't see clearly in any direction but you still have to make a move. I've always had crazy ass dreams but today i realized before my diagnosis i was having dreams about tornados. Freaky.

7 down only 1 to go!

Well i have about 1 week until my last taxol treatment! Today is the worst for the side effects. This drugs seems to make my joints not only hurt but slide around. My knees and ankles try to seperate and my hips pop and try their hardest to dislocate which is the most painful. Basically I feel like im 90! Im shocked that a drug can do this, but i also know that its flushing through my bones and muscles killing any microbastards that may be in hiding. Ive learned many things in these past few weeks not just about surgery but about breast cancer in general. Just because youre stage 1 and node negative doesnt mean it wont show up later as stage 4 and claim my life. Theres no way to know until it happens (which it does) but thats why im getting chemo. Its a scarey thought but in the end i have an 85-90% chance for a cure after all my treatments. There is no real cure but those are pretty hopeful numbers.

Some good news! I still have eyebrows and lashes :) im told i will likely lose them after my last treatment but for now it makes me happy to have them! Also the thing i was most worried about the neuropathy i have only had a little bit. Mostly in my feet, and one time in my hands, arms, and even my face! (i gotta ask about that) its that really unfun waking up after falling asleep tingling. Its nowhere near as bad as imagined though :) also after Taxol number 3 i did start to get the metallic taste in my mouth ive read about, which is gross but i just avoid pop cans or metal silverware and it seems to help! Also my nails are lifting which freaks me out but i havent lost one yet ! (that rarely happens)

I totally have "chemo brain" and really hope this goes away quickley when im done because i feel so stupid a lot of the time :/ which doesnt help when im meeting with surgeons and trying to decide things that will impact the rest of my life. January 23 is my chemo graduation and im so excited! Ill still feel terrible for the two weeks after but atleast ill be able to get this picc line out of my arm! Im so sick of it I could scream! For me it was better then a port though, but i still want it out!!

Ive learned that there are 8 women in their 20s being treated for the big bad BC at Rush currently. (me being one of them) the chances of getting this in youre 20s is 1 in 2,000. And each year it goes up. Something is wrong in this world that is causing this to happen.

The Avon walk is coming up in June and im hoping ill be well enough to participate, theyre great because part of the money goes to organizations that help young women with no health insurance.

Zoey is happy that chemo is almost done too! Shes been really wanting to go to the dogpark! We both kindof have cabin fever :p