My New Beginning

So the time has come, my surgery is tomorrow, and i predicted 4months ago that we would get hit by snow of course right before my surgery. (go figure) i have to be at NorthShore Evanston Hospital at 6am .. Surgery is at 7:30, and by 12pm I should be out. This means i get to wake up at 4am, joy :(....

This is perhaps the scariest thing Incan imagine, but the thought of having cancer inside of me is far more frightening, so off I go to begin a new life that will never be the same after tomorrow. I've never had to stay in a hospital so I'm nervous about that as well.. I'll likely be there two nights and three days and should be able to come home sunday afternoon *fingers crossed*

since i dont have much of a tolerance for pain killers im also worried about pain management but im hoping for the best. I keep telling myself atleast I get to keep my arms and legs, but nothing really takes away the fear. I just hope that tomorrow will be my last "cancer surgery" and after that I can feel (as much a possible) that I am cancer free. Also in the next week ill find out for certain if radiation is in my future, if so that will be the last of my heavy treatments, and then ill just be on a hormone blocker for 5years.

I sometimes wonder if ill ever get my life back, and the truth is.. I wont. I'll never be the same mentally and certainly not physically. I hope my new life can be as good if not better then it was before, because I now know that every single day is a gift, every moment I have is one that I may not have. Because of this new found respect for life I dont get upset by little things like a cold, bad day,.. Or how incredibly ignorant most people can be.

The truth is no one knows how long they'll have on this earth. Its something we talk about carelessly, especially in our 20s.. But people in their 20s die every day, and still most take what they have for granted. I think the trick is to live life not afraid of what may happen, but instead appreciate what has not happened and how fortunate we actually are.

Tomorrow is my new beginning, and I could not have gotten this far without my real life heros, who have walked in these shoes before me, with me, or beside me. Thank you.. You know who you are <3

Build-A-Bear/Barbie

So i had a rather strange idea while driving home from the dr. tonight... What if breast cancer patients could be like a build a bear where you get to pick little additions to go in with your "stuffing" like GLITTER! Or a little heart that sings a song when you hug someone or squeeze your boob.. Lmao. Post chemo brain is quite a trip ;)

Tumor Supernova :D

So my CT and MRI results came back good news. My CT was really to look at my lungs and make sure these 4 spots were just scarring, if they weren't (and were the worse alternative) chemo would have altered them.. shrunk them or made them disappear. Good news is they are completely "stable" (exactly the same) so they are just scaring.. probably from smoking years ago, but they're also found in people who never smoked anything. They're actually one of the most common accidental B9 findings that happen in the medical world, but it took a check up CT for me to believe that of course :)

My CT also revealed an improvement where my tumors are located, but CT's are not for that, so thats why i got the MRI, turns out my MRI was just as good if not better! The thing with MRI's is that they can only compare them when done at the same location. because I DO NOT trust the radiologists at Good Shephard for missing my additional tumors I did not want to go back there, so the MRI I had rush can't be compared to my previous ones. However it did not show any masses! only a faint unfocused area (of contrast pick up) where the tumors were... and said to "appear to be treated by chemotherapy" because they can not compare it to anything. So basically if parts of my tumors are left, they're tiny, and the rest is a cloud, that most likely represents the changing in tissue.

I imagine it looks like a supernova, which is great, because the chemo worked and blew those suckers apart! This I'm hoping will mean no radiation in my future.. which I find out more on Wednesday when I meet with the Radiation Oncologist. This also makes me feel slightly better because if the chemo could do that to solid masses, if any cells did escape into other areas of my body they most likely where slaughtered as well!

In young women the pathology of their tumors can be chemo resistant, or not be as effective, and the bonus of doing chemo before removing them is knowing, it did its job :) So although I've been waiting 4 months with cancer still inside of me, which was not easy at first.... I now know it was worth it.

My Surgery is in exactly two weeks, and I am starting to get nervous as it approaches, but I also know its necessary for me to start living my life again... even if it takes a few months to get back to normal after the fact. the hardest part will be not driving for almost 2 months.. I'm going to be stuck at home even after I've been healing for a while.. And not being able to play with Zoey, or walk her, although she is a great walker and does not pull, I cant take that risk :/ So if anyone wants to come walk her for me we would both love you for it. <3 She is going to have to be crated for the first month when I'm around her so she doesn't jump on me :(

My hair has not started coming in normally yet, the fuzz just gets longer LOL. I'm hoping once I come out of the medical fog from surgery and such I will notice some growth. I do still have eyebrows and eyelashes, and actually wore mascara a week ago! I'm not planning on doing that again because I don't want to risk losing what I've got left. The neuropathy in my feet is very annoying... and may or may not go away, but after surgery I'm going to try some things to help it. Either way its not THAT bad, so I'm glad we didn't reduce my last chemo dose. The hot flashes however are VERY bad... and I've read tamoxifen (which ill have to start taking after surgery for the next 5 years) makes worse. Chemo-pause sucks ass.. but I do feel like my hormones are trying to make a comeback.. which is good for my hot flashes, but bad for cancer.

I have a feeling these next two weeks are going to fly by faster then I would like them to, but if my BrEaST friends can handle it... So can I.

Hopeful Mind & Healing Thoughts

Today is the day a friend of mine goes in for surgery, actually at this moment her surgery is probably finishing up and she will begin healing.

She came into my life in the most happenstance of ways, it makes me believe in the phrase "everything happens for a reason" all over again.

We share an oncologist, but due to our meeting with be sharing surgeons as well. She sat by my side for my second to last chemo and we talked surgery for the whole three hours.

She taught me to be brave in ways I didn't know I could, to not settle for what the doctors would do but to research and ask questions to uncover what doctors COULD do. And to trust my gut, and in my heart what was right for me.

We are both the first women in our families to face this evil disease, both at freakishly young ages too. One thing we do not share is the BRCA mutation, which she has and I don't. However I've now come to believe I have a mutation they cannot test for because how does someone 10yrs younger then someone with a known mutation have the same disease... Science cannot provide me with that answer yet and so I draw my own conclusions.

She is one of a small group of truly inspirational, and very young women fighting this battle for their lives. I'm glad I found them, because together we are stronger, and they are the bravest women I've ever met.

This is her day for a new beginning.