Brave. Bald. Beautiful

So I finally know how these wonderful animals feel! I too am bald because today I shaved my head! Rather then waiting a week and watching clumps of hair fall out all over I decided to do away with all of it! The guys that shaved my head first cut it shorter and shorter - 4 inches... 3 inches... 2 inchess... BUZZZZZZ! So I could get an idea of how my hair could look and be styled when it starts growing back this spring.

Everyone you talk to says it's not as bad as you think it will be.. and honestly you don't believe them. I didn't.. I thought my face would warp or my head would inflate.. or I'd look like I gained wait.. but honestly it really isn't as bad as you think it will be. I feel the same as I did before, my hair is just missing. Although I don't like how it looks, and I don't think it's attractive like it is on many women.. my wig is very pretty and so there's nothing to be upset about! I also got my pink wig cut short like my hair was before it "went on vacation" so it's much more attractive for a synthetic wig. My nice wig is real human hair.. and looks and feels that way!

A really great opportunity came out of today also. When I was finishing up getting my pink wig trimmed the next client came in and she was a 9 year old girl. This brave little girl is facing a different battle then cancer, she has something called Alopecia which is basically what chemo does to your hair except she's not on chemo and her body- I believe the immune system attacks her hair cells basically thinking they are bad like cancer cells. So people with Alopecia can not grow hair. I know this comes in a variety of severities and she up until 9years old did not have it. So just now is this little girl facing hair loss. The guys asked if I would surprise her with my pink wig and maybe make her feel like its not such a bad thing to wear wigs! I even took my pink one off and put my blonde one on and she wanted to watch! I truly believe that experiencing hair loss as a child is way more traumatic then as an adult, and I would have loved for someone to do the same for me. Even her parents were impressed with how real my blonde wig looked!

Tomorrow my little brother is buzzing his head also ( not all the way ) which I understand, I have wigs to wear! He does not.. and my Aunt is coming over to bring me cupcakes! While I can still eat such treats :) Zoey can not tell the difference between bald me and normal me with blonde hair... or even pink! So I think the worst of things are now behind me and it's time to start getting better! My Second AC treatment is Monday-Halloween So I will be wearing my pink wig and possibly wearing a costume. I will post pictures on my next update... pictures of my bald self will have to wait.. for now we can look at adorable kittens :D

Suck On Some Chemo! Stupid Tumors :p

So the second week after treatment really isn't rough! I rarely have to take my anti nausea meds and I feel like myself again! With the small exception of fatigue and chemo still oozing out of my pores! (sexy i know)

It's a welcomed relief that only half of the next 14 weeks will be spent miserable on a couch and the other half i can actually be creating and being productive!

My second Chemo treatment is going to be a busy nightmare of a day.. but I'll touch on that in my next post, or the one after. As for my hopes they are high! look at these lovely ladies out raising awareness for the boobyball! I've hit some rough patches with my first treatment but I'm thinking my second will be smooth sailing.. with a little loopy sickness... but no barfing! (it seriously doesn't happen)

Good news is my tumors are shrinking.. I don't have proof of this but I can feel it! Last weekend I had some EXTREME like even after heavy meds I was screaming kind of pain. Tumor pain is usually linked to tumor death and the shrinking of tumors.. and after those two days of torture the pain is now less and less! So the chemo is doing its job :D yay!

Also to come with my second treatment is the evacuation of my hair! I'm told it comes out in clumps like a globe.. or the creature from lord of the rings. I'm not about to deal with that, so I'm shaving it this saturday! It's hard to shave off perfectly good hair that is still attached.. but I know I'll be too sick to do it right after treatment.. so I'm going to bite the bullet!

I will also be getting my fancy shmancy wig! so I can still look like myself, and my fabulous pink wig will be getting cut shorter, because its far to long for my likes these days. Only 7 more treatments to go! and after Monday we'll be down to 6! February here I come!

Wish this control freak good luck! I'm taking control and going bald! *sob* I will miss you my blonde hairs.. we had 23 great years!!!

Barfing is Not Tolerated!

So day 5 out has been a tad bit better then it has been! For starters i woke up and thought about something other then swollowing my nausea pills ASAP..

My stomach of course reminded me of this when i stood up. But all in all theres been no barfing! Seriously, they dont tolerate it!

What they mean when they say that ive now come to learn is that they give you so many pills your body cant physically throw up but the nausea is still there and it hits you in waves. Just like that fly you thought for sure you killed like 10 times already it sneaks its way back. The good thing is i have a pill for this but it also knocks me out for three hours.. Like OUT unconcious which is good in terms of im getting a lot of rest.

Some funny things about chemo that I wasnt informed about however: your skin starts to peel-like a snake... And im not overdescribing trust me I wish I was...

Also the worst thing ive probably encountered is .. B.O. I mean I've NEVER been even a sweaty person but my pits smell like poison. Worse then your younger brother, or for the teachers out there worse then your 6th grader who doesnt know he hit puberty yet. Again.. I wish i was lying.

Everytime I take a shower more hair falls out and then my skin peels off again I feel like an X-MAN.. Specifically that blue girl who can change forms.. Except i cant, im pretty much stuck with this one.

Atleast I can still dream about food :) during my last nap i was dreaming of cheesecake :p

Defying The Textbook Once Again

When I met my doctors I told them I would not be an easy case. Since the beginning of my diagnoses i've defied everything that is standard about this disease, and even in times when I was told "that never happens" IT DID ... to me. So after Chemo 1 - this is day 3 and i feel ok!

Shots have came back into my life in the form of a drug called neulasta. Luckily this isn't everyday like my fertility shots, its only the day after each treatment. So 1 down 7 to go! I used numbing creme on my tummy but these suckers HURT because you have to check for blood return and if you see blood you have to pick another spot. The alternative to this i when you do find a good spot you're basically trying to suck up fat with a tiny needle which doesn't feel good at all.

Good news is my tumors don't hurt as much! So the Chemo is doing its job :) But when I woke up this morning i discovered something that was a tad bit unexpected. I got a tan? TAN?! I've heard of this happening with TAXOL the drug I'll be getting in December/January.. but the drug I'm currently taking should not cause this. It doesn't itch or burn, i just look like I got some sun.. all over? I paged my nurse just to make sure this wasn't a cause for alarm, who then surprised about what is happening paged my doctor.

So I get a call back and they seem to think its the neulasta shot (since i didn't look so sunshiny before last night when i got the shot) and she asked about my breathing which.. was a little tight. So she said to take benadryl and I did, and I passed out for like 3 hours.. haha. Now I feel ok, but still kinda tan! Other then that everything seems to get better as the days go on.. nausea is always there a tad bit with the drugs I'm receiving through november because its such a nasty one, but on the bright side its the most powerful, and will hopefully kill all the little suckers that may be trying to escape out of my breast. (which we have no evidence of this happening) its more like an insurance policy- because that's when cancer wins.

So in my case I will win, and cancer will die! because we've began chemo when my cancer is still contained :D there's an upside finally! In the mean time I've been plastered to the couch making these flowers that I'm going to do something cool with.. I'm just not sure what yet.

Chemo 1 Down! only 7 to go :)

Well I got through it! Thats not to say what the next week and half will bring but I'm trying to stay hopeful that last night was the worst. First of all I didn't have Port implanted (because i hate the idea of something being inside my chest AND another scar on my chest) BUT I'm going to get a Picc line before my next treatment which basically will live on my arm. Its like a more permanent IV that like a port goes to your main artery so as to protect the smaller veins in your arm (which mine are good to begin with so i don't NEED this for that reason)

I do however need it for a whole different reason. My first drug aka ADRIA is a really nasty drug and if for whatever reason the IV without a picc is inserted incorrectly or comes out during treatment this drugs comes out of my veins it can actually kill the tissue in that area in your arm. I haven't seen this but i would imagine its quite scary. So after insisting on a Picc before even my first treatment they couldn't schedule one fast enough (kinda bogus) so they did i through my veins.

Insurting it HURT like a mother but once it was in i felt ok. (its quite longer then any other needle i've had crammed in my arm and I've had IVs before) then they give you fluids to hydrate you and test the blood return to see that the IV is still good. Then they give you drugs through syringes that they push the drug in with slowly. First i had an anti nausea (in addition to taking a pill) and then a steroid to help with nausea (I'm thrilled about the steroid part :/ ) but hey if it keeps me from barfing... haha. then they start to push the ADRIA which is red and looks like cherry jello no joke. they go slowly and check for blood return to make sure the IV is still good because this drug is incredibly dangerous. After my first syringe my arm started to RASH of course and of course the nurses FREAK out although I told them this would happen. My arm did this with morphine the first time I had it through an IV as well so I was not surprised. They had to stop and page my poor doctor who wasn't there that day and then the NP came to check on me. They had to grab a syringe of benadryl and push it though my IV to see if the rash would go away (ice cold right outa the fridge brrrrrrrrrr) but sure enough it went away and stopped itching :) Then we were on to more poison infusion!!! You can see in the picture how the rash is right alone my vein (aka where the drug went in) my mom said to take the picture for insurance purposes hahaha.. she was only partially joking I think.

Everything continued just fine, and my treatment was ended. After the syringes they hook me up to a cytoxan drip that doesn't require them sitting and pushing the drug into my IV so i decided to snack on some cookies :) and after treatment i was feelin good, only took a vicoden for the tumor pain and was off. Even ate a sandwhich right after (only half because i know my limits) but i felt totally fine.

UNTIL I GOT IN THE CAR which makes me carsick anyway if im not driving.. but unfortunately after chemo I cant drive. X joi X anyway we were stuck in traffic for 2.5 hours which also did not help and i only threw up in my mouth a little but it was a struggle for sure. After that horrible madness I plopped on the couch and felt ok again now that I could be still. I even ate some spagedios and cheez its and was welling GOOD but this one drug i took in the car called compazine made my heart start to race which brought the nausea back in a title wave and i was again paralyzed on the couch. Poor Zoey did not understand what was happening and kept sniffing me and trying to jump up with me (but she's not allowed on the leather couch) poor girl :/ Then it was 9pm and time to take this wonderful drug called ADAVAN which took the nausea away as soon as it kicked in! and i could sit up, stand up, even walk around it was awesome. I had more spagedios and then started to feel heavy so I knew it was time for bed. Went to bed with Zoey and sleep really well all things considered. I woke up a few times to pee because i've been chugging water like a fish, but the only one to get sick this morning was Zoey! hahaha... i think she ate too big pieces of bone and barfed them up on my floor this morning. -- poor girl I know the feeling.

Anyway! it could be better but it could be far worse... I'm really grateful for all of the anti nausea drugs they have for us now. Apparently they "don't tolerate vomiting" so thats good! haha because neither do I. :D

As for my poor hairs It is expected I start loosing them in 14 days (so right before my second treatment -- Halloween!) perrrrfect timing for me to wear my pink wig :D I'm kinda freaked out to shave my head but at the same time I don't want to watch my hair fall out in clumps OR clean up up from my pillow/shower. My little brother told me he is going to shave his head when I do AND keep it bald the whole time I'm bald. I say we'll see how he feels when its the dead of winter and he has no hair.. he might rethink that offer! It's about that time to take more drugs! and clean up Zoey's barf hopefully I don't add to it in the process :D stay tuned!

The Chemo Madness Begins! xXInfo OverloadXx

So after my visit yesterday I've decided to do all of my treatment at Rush University Medical Center for a number of reasons. Although I love my surgeon in Barrington, Rush definitely has more to offer in terms of all my doctors ( surgeon, oncologist, and radiation oncologist) all work together and we meet as a big team. Having all of my doctors in constant communication and working together lifts a huge weight of worry. Also my new surgeon worked with my Barrington surgeon for many years which also made me feel at ease because they both are wonderful!

During my fertility treatments I met a woman who also went to this same team for the same surgery and absolutely loved them, which is a priceless reassurance that I could not be happier to have. Also after meeting with them.. quite a few things changed. Instead of getting my surgery first I'm actually going to be starting chemo next week. Why?

Because depending on when my cancer actually came to be compared to when I felt it is an unknown window of time. With breast cancer the biggest threat on your life is if it spreads outside of the breasts, because the breasts can be removed to eliminate the cancer. Bones, Lungs, and your Heart cannot. Even though I'm Stage 1 and found my cancer early it is also a Grade 3. The stage represents the development of the disease.. where it has gone how big it is etc. The grade represents the speed and aggressiveness at which the cells are reproducing and growing.. Grade 3 is the most aggressive. Which is why 3 tumors that were non existent grew to visibility and pain in only 4 weeks.

Some women who have a slower grade tumor may have these additional "multifocal" areas of their cancer but because almost no one does an MRI after a lumpectomy they go unseen. Chemo and Radiation for the most part eliminate those alternative areas.. but with Lumpectomy there is always a chance of them coming back. Often when you hear of women who have gone through Chemo and Radiation.. and 10 years later have a relapse it is most likely because those additional areas were unknown and still half alive after treatment.

I consider myself incredibly lucky to have had that MRI and found these new tumors because the thought of chemo and surgery all over again later in life is something I'd rather be without. Which is why although only one of my breasts has cancer I'm electing to do both. This is called a prophylactic mastectomy, which means I'm doing both to eliminate the chance of it coming back in either side. It also makes reconstruction look better because they can both look as good as technology can make them these days ;)

This also means no more mammograms or MRI's for me after surgery! :D which I'm thrilled about.. because it means no more biopsies (which are worse then surgery) or worrying that it has come back. Christina Applegate elected to do this same surgery because she had one of the genetic mutations they now can test for. Although I am negative for the BRCA 1&2 and P53 because of how my cancer is behaving and my age I'm not taking any chances. Relapse % is usually estimated based on 10 years.. and in 10 years I'll only be 33. Which is why treating young women with this disease is incredibly different then older women who already have a family.. or are in their 80's.

So why Chemo first in my case? Because my cancer could have been here for a year unknown to me my doctors want to protect me from my biggest threat.. Chemo acts by killing any rapidly developing cells.. cancer (especially grade 3) is very rapidly developing. Therefore any cells that MAY (we have no evidence that this has happened) have escaped out of my breast into my body somewhere else will be killed and eliminated. This is like an insurance policy if you will :) Unfortunately other rapidly developing cells are in your:

-hair

-nails

-skin

-mouth

-g.i. tract

Which is why chemo makes you look and feel sick, although they have great advances in medicine so it looks nothing like "my sisters keeper" Very few people are barfing or even nauseous and mostly you just feel tired for a few days after!

Then after 8 treatments 4AC/4T in february right in time for Valentines Day <3 I'll be ready to get my surgery and take out the "danger boobs" and a friend of mine facing this same disease cleverly termed them. This is also good because I'll recover from surgery faster, and my hair will be coming back with my new boobs! :D

Radiation will come as soon as I heal up from surgery which poses some issues of its own.. basically its like a super strength tanning bed but you don't get tan.. and it can actually kill your skin resulting in further surgery. This will be every day for 6 weeks, and even thought they are removing all the tissue radiation will target my chest wall and be an even further insurance policy to kill off anything that could possibly be left behind. Fortunately Radiation does not make your hair fall out and the only real side effects are fatigue and severe sunburn, and unfortunately the effects it can have on your skin-but because I'm really young I'm hoping this will be minimal.

I'll be going either tomorrow or monday for Bone and CT scans.. and had an Eco-cardiogram last Tuesday. These are just to get images of everything to have a baseline before chemo. Since Chemo (especially AC) can effect your heart greatly they will monitor me for signs of damage throughout treatment. Also because I'm young the chances of this are very small but it's standard protocol. Also I'll have either a Port or a Power Picc implanted in me to help with infustions ( so im not being stuck with needles 24/7 ) It stays in for the course of treatment then is removed. It can also be used for scans when they need to inject contrast, or even draw blood!

ON THE FUNNY SIDE!

At hosptials like Rush, Northwester, and UofC they have either residents, fellows, or medical students who follow the doctors and are learning. I had the sweetest medical student with my doctors at Rush yesterday and she said something that I found hilarious. "She defies all of the Board questions" aka everything they're learning about breast cancer.. I defy. Just to give you an idea here are some of the aspects of my disease that don't make sense, and I'll probably never have answers:

- age

- no family history

- extreme pain

- unable to physically feel lump

- no genetic mutations

- 3 new tumors after extremely successful lumpectomy

- not a smoker

- not a heavy drinker or alcoholic

- not obese

- raised on organic/ free ranged diet

- barely eat meat or dairy

And that's just the beginning of how there's no explanation for this disease happening to me, which is why I caution every woman who reads this breast cancer is changing in our world, it does happen you YOUNG women and 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer. Think about this next time you're on a bus or a train do the math.. and know that this disease does not discriminate against age. YOU ARE your best advocate. Many of women get turned away by their doctors later to discover their disease further down the line. October is not just about awareness it's about education that can lead to saving lives. Daughters, Mothers, Grandmothers, Friends, Nieces, and even Men are getting breast cancer every day.

My best personal advice: If you feel something, say something. and NEVER take no for an answer.. cancer DOES HURT mine does, and I've met many others who have said the same.

The Good, The Bad, and the Unlucky

THE GOOD:

Tomorrow is my egg retrieval! I have about 70+ eggs in my ovaries right now and they're going to take out as many as possible, they have to be a certain size to be considered mature. They said out of 70 I'll probably get 30. The best news is after chemo if I end up not needing them I can donate them, which I think is pretty cool because thats a lot of eggs to throw away. Also I cut my hair today!!! 12 inches off! and died a chunk pink :D which i love and will probably redo after it comes back this summer!

THE BAD:

So my pathology came back from my biopsies and I have three more tumors in the same side :( and they're more aggressive then the first so that leaves not options other then a mastectomy at this point. That means total removal of all breast tissue and well new foobs! (fake boobs) which isn't the worst thing in the world ;) This process seems pretty positive but its actually really rough and takes place over the course of 4-6 months or so. They have to put expanders under your chest muscles to make room for implants, and fill them up a little more every other week. Luckily I can do this during chemo so I'll be so drugged up it wont be as rough.

THE UNLUCKY:

More surgery means chemo is postponed again, and I'll have to stay in the hospital for a few days after which means no Zoey or Oliver :( but it shouldn't be more then a couple days, and I will most likely have more then fuzz on my head by May for my 24th birthday :D

Most importantly even after my first cancer hurt, when I started having pain again my dr. had the nerve to tell me cancer doesn't hurt. AGAIN he was wrong.. they all were. The odds were in my favor and I still defied the standard and statistics. The face of cancer is changing, and the most important advice I can give is DONT no matter what ignore your INTUITION! ... mine saved my life.

Young Women, Cancer, and the importance of Fertility Preservation

Fertility Update & MRI Torture

So it's tennis ball time! I'm ready to be done with this fertility stuff and after this weekend I will be :) Since I'm young and very fertile currently I'm told i have somewhere near around 40 eggs right now in my ovaries... the normal 20 something year old lady would have maybe 5. ouch! yea.. it feels like period cramps on steroids!

Anyway I had a post surgery MRI the other day, and I've been having a lot of pain in the area of my surgery since I started these fertility shots. The MRI results revealed several more areas that needed to be biopsied, which unfortunately happened today. So I upgraded from Hydrocodone to Oxycodone because this is worse then post surgery pain. They do stab you over and over again with a needle. ( no fun )

My Oncologist says they're very likely nothing, and just normal changes caused by the hormones in these fertility shots because to develop more tumors this fast after surgery would be extremely unusual. I'm hoping he's right because the last thing I want is more surgery...

I think its important to mention however this situation for other women because fertility preservation is rarely mentioned with young patients facing chemo, its even less uncommon to MRI changes in the breasts during the fertility shot process. I'm hoping this scare turns into helpful information for future cancer survivors in this same situation.

My next upcoming events are getting a port implanted in my chest, and starting chemo as soon as next Wednesday if my pathology comes back all clear. fingers crossed!